foolishnotions.net

i thought the popular questions about my trip seemed a little strange at first. then i remembered i wrote this post in close proximity to my trip and figured i should probably answer some of these questions here.

1. Q: (from twitter) “have fun, learn lots…. come home.” (ok, not really a question unless you know the source… just trust me there was a question in there.)
   A: i think my literal response to this was, “come home? are you really serious? no way you can get rid of me that easily!”
2. Q: did they offer you a job?
   A: this is a hilarious question. i was like a tadpole in the middle of lake erie down there. ummmm, no. they did not offer me a job.
3. Q: will i ever be as poplular as carlos? (not me - someone asked if they could be as popular)
   A: you know? i don’t think anyone is as popular as carlos. i don’t think carlos is as popular as carlos. it’s all just a figment of everyone’s imagination. i’m kidding. carlos wants to make a difference. if that means unabashedly promoting the fool out of his website… then so be it. he’s using it for god’s glory. so, if you dare be so brave… go for it.
4. Q: are you trying to learn how to become a mega church?
   A: i am trying to learn what i can from others who are making a big impact in their communities because i want to make an impact in mine. i have learned a lot of things that can be applied in my life and my job and i have seen things that work great in other places but would not work at all for me. i have no desire, whatsoever, to become just like anything or anyone but what god desires in his heart for me to be. that goes for my church too. i can tell you, very certainly, we are very different church. we have unique purpose in our community. i have no idea to what numeric number the rock will grow. but i want to reach as many as we possibly can. only god knows what that really looks like.
5. Q: (quoted directly from my website) “I don’t want to point out the obivious but Ernie is bald with a goatee and so is Los…. Is there a pattern developing. Just asking… Glad you are home.”
   A: yes, there is an pattern. an epidemic, actually. it’s called male pattern baldness. wikipedia says, “researchers suspect that several genes inherited from both parents play a role in androgenetic alopecia. paternal hair loss has been shown to correlate with chances of alopecia in sons, while variations in the androgen receptor gene (AR), which can also correlate with baldness, are X linked and thus inherited from one’s maternal grandfather or grandmother.” there is more. so, if you are not regretting asking this question yet, and would like to learn more… you can read all about it here.
6. Q: is your blog holding up under the ragamuffin effect?
   A: bluehost.com handled it quite nicely, actually. and most of my 300 or so new visitors left. so, i don’t think my blog is in danger of crashing this week.
7. Q: did you learn lots?
   A: yes. i got to see first hand a lot of things, technological and otherwise, that i had never seen up close before. they had some phenomenal ideas about children’s and small group ministries. but all of this, though impressive, was not my greatest take away. i was challenged the most by the obvious quality of their management and leadership. their team was unified, well organized and had a common goal fueled by a clear vision. it was glaringly obvious. and since i am, by my artistic nature, a little organizationally challenged, i think this is what i learned the most from.
8. Q: are you looking for a job?
   A: no. i am exactly where god wants me. i posted this post a few weeks ago to share something in my life that i believe many people go through but keep buried inside. but at the time of it’s writing i was pretty much over it. god had dealt with the issue quite handily. you see, i have quit before. i said, no more, to ministry life and went and pursued a vocation that had nothing to do with the church (or, so i thought). you know what i figured out through that experience? i can’t run away from the calling god has put on my life. quitting turned out to be little more than a detour. i landed right back on the course god had plotted in the first place. so, frankly, i realized quitting is futile. god has seared the vision of this house on my heart. i love my church. i love the leadership in this house. i love my city. yes, it gets hard… it’s demanding and draining sometimes. i feel inadequate constantly. but none of that really matters. because it’s not about me. and my god is more than enough.
9. Q: was it hard to come home?
   A: no. i could not wait to get home. atlanta is beautiful but the traffic was horrendous and i missed my family and my church. i was anxious to put into practice all the information i have filled my head with over the past few months. i talked to pastor b on the way home. i was telling him how going all these places and seeing how god is using others has been awesome. but i have been more amazed by how these experiences have worked together to make my heart beat harder and stronger for the vision of the rock. he quoted someone he recently heard say, “they are my people, but this is my tribe.” that could not hit it more squarely on the head. i hold my new friends dear. they are my people. but here is where my family is.. here is where god’s work is for me.
10. oops. i only have nine. so the last question is for you.
    Q: what do you want to know? do you have questions about technology in the church and what it means specifically for us at the rock? do you question why i and others have traveled all over to see other churches? is there anything you have been wanting to ask someone on staff but never have? ask.
    A: (this is you… comment below.)

“meet my friend, carolyn from the rock in north carolina.” this is how carlos would introduce me to his staff. it made me smile. it made me thankful for the body of christ.

i have always had a little bit of a hang up about the whole process of developing your inner leader. going to conferences and meeting people and churches that you can learn from who have been through more or are responsible for more than you is a huge part of stretching and learning. but, without fail this process evokes memories of the old amway crowd rallying hard and then flocking around the ruby and emerald leaders… trying to get near the diamonds with hope that “it” will just rub off on them. (yes, in our younger days we were recruited heavily for amway…. ernie and i were real magnets for the, “i have my own business that i should tell you about it sometime,” guys.) anyway, the process for me is a little uncomfortable. but i do it. because i have something in me that has been placed there by god. and that requires me to allow myself to become uncomfortable.

knowing about someone from what you read in their blog is very different from knowing someone personally. and traveling 7 hours to meet someone you have only read about can’t help but be just a little awkward. but one of the things i love about the christian leaders’ blogosphere (sorry, i thought really hard but could not think of a better way to describe it), is that in spite of differences in our methods, our churches, our communities… there is a very solid commonality. jesus christ. and, generally speaking there is a common need to learn from one another and an unspoken acknowledgment that the things god places in us are open source. i think that is awesome.

carlos, brad and their teams were so great. they understood why i was there. they were kind, friendly, knowledgeable and they patiently answered all my questions and filled my eyes and ears with what god has entrusted them with. and while the atmosphere was relaxed and inviting, they graciously allowed me to forgo the, “getting to know you.” stage to remain focused on my goal of observation. i worked very hard not to be intrusive and they made sure that i was included. we had a few get to know you type conversations but for the most part it was all about the learning process. because of this, i learned so much. really. i didn’t know fully on the front end of this trip what i would glean from it. i just knew that there were things that carlos and his team were responsible for that had not seen. but i can honestly say god poured plenty into my spirit that applies to my life and my church.

meet my friend, carlos from buckhead church in atlanta. i wanted a picture with him not so i could have a picture of me with “ragamuffin the blog rock star”. i took the picture to remember my friend from a distance who is also my brother in god’s family. he has a heart like mine… to make a difference. carlos, your team is amazing. thank you for allowing me to hang out and learn from them.

i have a whole lot more to blog about from my trip.
it’s coming. i have much to process.
until then, what are you doing to
stretch out of your comfort zone?

just got back from spending the afternoon with brad and his team over at north point. wow. i mean WOW. i’ve never seen so much mac power and brain power in one room. i got the grand tour and talked in geek. actually they talked geek… i pretended to know exactly what they were talking about. LOL

i love experiencing things that are much bigger than me. it’s very humbling. and it opens the mind to the power of possibility. that is what this year has been for me so far… an experience in what is possible. this year i’ve been to fellowship church, newspring church and now north point community church and buckhead church. all with different methods, strengths and vision… but all with a similar heart. to reach the lost.

it takes all kinds of people to reach all kinds of people. god has ideas and plans for our city that are unique and different than anywhere else on the planet. i look forward to taking all the information i’ve accumulated over the past few months and finding how it applies to the vision god has for the rock… for wilmington. i am excited to see it unfold.

i’m thankful for much tonight.

the picture is me and brad. we had to take
a nostril shot cause i’m short and he’s tall and we
couldn’t hold the camera far enough away.

i have so much information rattling around in my head it’s not even funny. solitude has a way of taking over your imagination. add to that eyes and ears full of new information and you have a cocktail for a really cool brain buzz.

yesterday i got to hang out with carlos and his staff for the afternoon and attend their weekly pre-production meeting. they greeted me, fed me and treated me like i was their own. what a great bunch of people. i have tons to process and blog, but right now i am headed over to north point to hang out with brad and his team.

a little tweety bird told me anne jackson was coming to town today. sounds like she’s breezing through. she’s on my list of people i really want to meet. actually, she’s one of the last ones on my list of people i really want to meet. it seems i’ve met all of them in the past 30 days. that’s crazy. time to make a new list. anyway maybe i can find someone around here who could hook a girl up… we’ll see. maybe the planets will align once again.

gotta run. i’ll post again tonight and try to download some of this info in my head. have to make room for more.

oh snap! (wow - i NEVER say that)  i found a computer.  yay!!!!  the thought of living computer-less for 5 days, i would have to say, was significantly less than appealing to me.   this hotel has a fitness room too - cool.  that’s another blog post.

wow… it’s been crazy the past 5 weeks.   here’s the highlites…

• unleashed
• get ready for easter
• easter
• strike easter set
• put up new set
• schedule major light install (for the week of the 14th!!! :-D)
• get ready for myles munroe
• myles munroe [!!!] (…yet another blog post.  i’m so behind)
• edit down myles munroe messages
• cut all the gafa music for creation in may
• get ready for new series, alpha
• go to atlanta - why?  glad you asked…

you know, i’ve known about this trip for a while but it’s almost like i didn’t want to say it out loud for fear it would go away.  plus, the planets pretty much had to line up to pull this off in soooo many ways.  but here i am.  in a hotel in alpharetta, ga thinking about what questions i get to ask carlos and his amazing team tomorrow.  that’s right. i’m meeting the ragamuffin.  i am so excited.  if that were not enough, on friday i am going to northpoint to see brad bretz and his team in action.  saturday - i’m not sure about yet.  sunday, i will be at buckhead again to see carlos and his team pull it all together.  why i’m here in a nutshell…

• wow. what an opportunity.
• i am here because i need to see things that i never even considered.
• i am here because i want my methodology to be challenged.
• i am here because i want my imagination to be stretched.
• i am here because i want my heart to be seared by a vision that i am sure dwarfs my own.
• i am here because…. well, to ask myself what if?
• i am here to see my own wilmington, nc in a whole new light.

this is why when carlos told his readers to ask him anything and he would answer, i asked if i could come.  thank you for saying yes, carlos.  i’ll see you and katie tomorrow.

thank you to all of you who helped get me here.

on the drive to atlanta today i discovered
that next week i will be meeting with 2 more
people who i am just as excited about connecting with.
more about that later.  gotta go to bed now.

sometimes i take keep going just so i can take the picture and show you guys… or twitter it. i think that’s awesome. i haven’t been on a scale yet. but i’ve been at it for about 5 weeks now and my clothes are way loose. yay! i will be healthy!

who else out there is trying to get healthy?

my honey is getting ready to take the 3rd exam of his brand new
college career.  this is a mini session. it only lasts 5 weeks and
they do the same amount of work they would have done in a regular
semester. so, he pretty much works or studies… for hours and hours
and hours. honestly, he is an absolute machine.

anyway, he compains that we really don’t have good light in the house
for long hours of reading. because of this he usually trys to go the
library or to barnes & noble to study. but this weekend i had to work
a lot, so he had to make do.  last night i walked in the door to see
him buried in his psyc book with cam’s hiking head lamp strapped to
his beautiful bald head. and, of course, i can’t let a perfectly
bloggable moment just slip through my fingers. he knows this… thus the “ok,
get it over with”, look on his face.

this is my man. he just gets it done. i could not be prouder of him. i
love you so much baby!

warning… what you are about to read is transparent (and a little long).  i am sharing this here for several reasons…

• i don’t bottle things up well.  eventually it will come to the surface.  i have found it best for me to just decide how and when that will be most productive rather than letting it all gush out at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
• i find blogging serves as a great point of contact with some amazing people who i know will help hold me accountable.
• it’s neutral - i love that about blogging.  you can read it or not - i’m not going to hold you hostage to hear my struggles and make you feel as if you are responsible in some way to make it better.
• i know that my human struggles aren’t unique. we all go through the same stuff from time to time and we all have the capacity to fail. maybe the things i have gone through will serve someone else who finds themselves treading similar waters.
• i am sooooo imperfect - and yet god still uses me.  seeing that in other people helps keep me going…. so, i figure someone else might need that too.

so, here we go.the teaching i heard at c3 in february was hitting so close to home it almost physically hurt. the title of tommy barnett’s segment was, “the honor of wanting to quit”. as he spoke i thought i would melt in my tears into a puddle under my seat. i had been wanting to quit for a couple of months. no, i mean, looking for a job ready - and feeling so guilty about it. no one knew, not even my husband.  why?  great question.  i have a great job - the greatest.  i get to be creative every day.  i get to see lives changed.  i am pursuing my purpose.  i work for some of the most amazing people.  i had not been mistreated or disrespected… quite the contrary.  the problem was me.  you see, i constantly push the limits of what i can do. it’s my standard m.o… to me, it doesn’t matter if i don’t know how to do something. i know i can figure it out.  in general, i have always been very thankful for this personality trait.  but the truth is, more often than not, i push myself too way too hard.  when it happens i begin to neglect important things in my life. my god. my family. my body. my team. my friends. my home…the list goes on.  learning new stuff and overcoming inadequacy is almost just like a drug to me. my clever cover for my habit is that ‘i’m giving my best to god’, but the ugly truth about this process is when i come to a stopping point i am worn out, spiritually spent, out of shape and overwhelmed. on top of that, the reality is it is my pride that drives me. i rely on my ability to learn, create and achieve more than i seek god for wisdom about how to get others involved. i sacrifice myself and cheat others on my alter of self worth. well, there it is… ouch!!

if having to face this ugly detail in my life were not enough there was that other thing.  ed young began to expound on the little talked about subject of… betrayal.  i am (we all are) a prime candidate for being betrayed. it’s a part of life.  it’s happened before…. it will most assuredly happen again. this was not news, though it was encouraging to hear how others have coped and how god is in the business of turning bad circumstances for his good. but that is not what sent me to the bathroom in the remotest part of the building in tears for an hour. no, what did that was the sudden realization that i posses the full capacity to become… a betrayer. and, in my already self inflicted, weakened state it was just a matter of time.

now, i harbored no blatant bitterness. i had no plans laid to bring anyone down. i treasure deeply my family, friends and the people i work with. but i began to see that, in a worn out and prideful state, it is easy for me to start to slip into a thought process that begins to blame my job, my family, my leaders and my circumstances for the pain i inflict on myself. i suddenly came to the realization that it only takes one short human moment to betray and that, with a weakened spirit, i was a prime candidate for the role of judas. it would only take a split second for a thought, fueled by a lack of boundaries, to adversely connect with an emotion, to produce an action that would bring betrayal the people nearest and dearest to me. i was not about to steal or undermine or anything so obvious. but i was beginning to create a pattern of neglecting god’s leading to rely solely on my own ability, and deal harshly with my family during busy times (when i saw them), and resist pouring into others because it was easier and more fulfilling to do it myself.  without course correction i would almost certainly have begun to find myself on a drift towards dangerous disrespect of leadership. or, i might have just resigned myself to quit and leave - which, after all of the preceding actions might be the favorable thing to do. but, however it manifested, it would most assuredly cause bitter betrayal to a variety of someones whom i care about very deeply. it was a back door for the enemy that i had not considered. it was so subtle that i might have slipped and never even have seen it coming. sometimes the intentions of our heart are a mystery even to us. and sometimes, at least for me, my misguided ugly intentions are cleverly disguised by the very personality traits and giftings that god is trying to use for his good. i suddenly began to see this for what it was …and it scared the fool out of me. it’s dangerous. it’s ugly. it’s human. it’s overwhelmingly humbling. and i don’t want to ever forget this lesson.

for me, acknowledging my humanity keeps me reliant on god’s grace and mercy for protection from my greatest enemy - myself. god’s word in my heart is a constant reminder that he is so much bigger than my failures. worship helps me physically release it all over to him. and prayer makes god my sounding board instead of my family, friends or co-workers… who are already overwhelmed with their own humanity and who can do nothing about it anyway, except listen and pray. funny how it’s so easy for me to talk to others about my problems asking them to pray, when i haven’t even prayed for myself first. [yikes]

i don’t have all of the answers. i am a work in progress. but my god is faithful to complete what he started in me. so, this is yet another thing i don’t have to fix myself. all i’m required to do is pay attention and choose wisely.  i see it.  i get it. and, i still have this foolish notion that god can use someone weak and pitiful like me.  i choose to evolve and i choose to not quit.

—

“great men are just ordinary men that won’t quit.”   :: tommy barnett

no. this is not THE post.
(just kidding.  yeah - that was it.  thank you SO much for reading.)

carlos posts a lot of videos on his blog. sometimes i don’t take the time to watch them all (sorry, carlos). so, i know you all follow his blog too. but in case you chose not to watch this video he posted today. watch. then go to his site and watch the 2nd one which is the back story for this song.

it’s not about us
it’s all about his love for us
and, i can’t seem to get off my face for this sunday.
they’re coming.
the hurting ones.
will they find out how much he loves them through us?
are we setting the atmosphere?

tonight i went
to my favorite place to worship
it’s an empty sanctuary
i turned the lights down low
turned the sound system on
hooked up the keyboard
cranked up the effects
and i worshiped.

i can worship there like no other place
yes, i can worship in my car
with no special lighting
no music
no microphone
but it’s not the same
as when i go ahead and take the time
to set the atmosphere.

i have heard concern
over the new things
uncertainty that our use of technology
is becoming the focus over our worship
as i always do
when questions surround me
i ask my father
even if i think i already know the answer.

tonight i asked
if my heart was right
if all the lights and sounds are a means to his end
and not our own
he knows my heart is to bring him glory
he knows i want only to see the lost found
and in his love and wisdom
he answered me quite clearly.

it is only a performance
if you are a spectator
it is only a show
if you are there to watch
it is only about technology
if you criticize things going wrong rather than engaging in higher activity
and, the only time you feel you are being manipulated or pumped up
is the time you noticed - since you did not come prepared to initiate and engage in worship on your own.

his words were for me
i am guilty
of all he had spoken to my heart
his words are for us
for the times when we lose site of him
even when our intentions are good
and we focus on nuts and bolts
rather than hurting hearts

i doubt had i not taken the time
to use what resources and technology
my favorite place to worship offers
if i would ever have opened myself up
to hear so plainly
no, god does not need special technology to move - it’s not for him
it’s for me - so i can create an atmosphere
where i, a mere human, can hear him better.

—

is. 57:14 (niv) and it will be said: “build up, build up, prepare the road! ; remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.”
ps. 50:23 (amp) he who brings an offering of praise and thanksgiving honors and glorifies me; and he who orders his way aright [who prepares the way that I may show him], to him I will demonstrate the salvation of god.

please, please, please - click on the image above to go to the unleash 2008 website and watch the video for both main sessions. if you can only watch one - watch the second one. it is contains one of the most powerful times of worship i have ever been in, and one of the most important messages i have ever heard. i so love that newspring just posted these up in their entirety. thier heart to not only reach the lost but to help others do the same is…… [...] humbling.

thank you, newspring.

no, this is not the post.
it’s coming.
go watch the videos while you are waiting.