foolishnotions.net

the other day i looked at my son and could not believe how much he was growing. seriously, like over the last 3-4 weeks it’s been so noticeable. He’s leaning out, getting taller and he is a little… shall we say, um - - dramatic. lol. all the changes in his body are not only giving him leg cramps and an insatiable appetite, but are affecting his behavior, his sleep, his energy levels, his self confidence… his little body is completely overwhelmed and it comes out in the most unpredictable ways.

last week we went on a vacation. it was good to get away for some family time and steal whatever moments we could to just - - be, and reflect, and pray. if you have followed my blog for the past few months you have read about some struggles i’ve been having. lots of change going on at work, lots of new responsibility, lots to learn… i’ve wondered at times if maybe i have reached my limit. am i intelligent enough to carry all this out? am i losing the confidence of those i serve? have i hit my leadership ceiling? am i organized enough to be effective for what lies ahead? do i really have what it takes to move my life forward joyfully as my job takes on more and more responsibility?

as i wrestled with these questions, i started to notice similarities in what cam and i are going through. growing is hard. change is difficult to process no matter what your age. and like my son, i am not always prepared for how all these changes will affect my body, my attitude or my self confidence. like cam, sometimes i have no frame of reference for handling things that i have never experienced, and at times i do it badly.

i have faced challenges before in my professional life when i have stopped to evaluate the situation only to find that there was nothing else i could do. i didn’t have the personal tools to bring resolution to the task at hand. i wasn’t in the place where God had truly gifted me. i had given it my very best effort but the only sane course of action was to acknowledge the facts, learn and move on.

you know? this is not one of those times. when i think about what lies ahead for me i get excited. i have vision. i have ideas. i have solutions. i have things i want to try. and more than that, i have a passion that burns down deep in my core to see it come to pass. this is what i was created for. i do not believe that God put all of this in me to lead to a point of mediocrity only to hand it off to someone else to finish the race. no, what i am experiencing is nothing more than growing pains. a big burst of growth in a very short period of time. my body aches, i don’t sleep well, my confidence buckles, my emotions are high and sometimes like my son, i make it all about me, me, me - - because it’s all a bit overwhelming.

i would never look at my son, going through such physical and emotional upheaval, judge his current actions and say, “this is all he was created for. he obviously just can’t handle the growth. he’s just not cut out to be an adult. let’s see - - is there another 8 year old out there that can handle it better? maybe i’ll just take him in.” that would be unthinkable. i will forever see him as a confident, successful, intelligent, compassionate young man… full of purpose and full of possibility just like his Father sees him - - just like my Father sees me.

abigail’s wise advice to king david keeps ringing in my head. (this is my big time paraphrase) i will not be sidetracked by what will ultimately be an insignificant unpleasant inconvenience in my life. my life, my purpose, my destiny is like david’s. it is “bound in the bundle of life“, held close, treasured and protected by God Himself. i am full of the promise of the call of God that is without regret and without withdrawal… even when i’m not acting like who i am called to be. i so love that.

disclaimer written & deleted
i’m through with them (for today)
what you see is what you get folks!

every 4th pb puts on an amazing demonstration of pyrotechnics in his back yard. good food, great friends and this year had the added bonus of fabulous music…. it’s a real “blast” - [har, har].

pb annually takes advantage of the fact that i am a photographer who doesn’t own as nice of a camera as he does and cheerfully offers, “you can use my camera if you want to take pictures”.  he doesn’t think i know this, but the truth behind his generosity that his hands are full blowing things up and he can’t take them himself - - but he still wants pictures . so, of course i took him up on his offer. and since last year i didn’t get to see them for several days [much less edit them], i took the cf card so i could have first view and first edit!  .

about 11 o’clock i get a text…. ‘did you take my cf card?’  [he he he]

about 9 o’clock the next morning i sent him a text…. ‘check your front door’.  [it was an empty cf card.  lol. more texts ensued.  it was fun.]

so, i fully intended to post these way before now.  here you go pb.  these are the best of the best.  thank you for letting me use your camera!!!!

[you know you’ll ask — ‘er, i mean…. let, me do it again next year.}

oops, forgot to post this one…

sunday’s team: (foreground to background: lindsey (intern on media shout), joel (new team member observing), mike c. (sound), kyle (lights), mike e. (sound)

---

sunday morning my team walked in - everyone of them early. there were really no big fixes which was a relief since we had totally disassembled every cord for creation.

when sound check started we had 3 sopranos, one tenor and abbye… soooo, this does not make for a very even mix, right? allison was off so i didn’t have another producer. kyle came to continue learning the new light board, but has only had about an hour on it so far. and i have a new team member observing. so…

what did we do?

• i gave kyle a 10 minute run down on how to get the lighting done with our brand new lighting system;
• told mike and mike to be sure to teach our new observer, joel a thing or two about the sound board;
• gave linds some last minute order of service instructions;
• gathered for prayer where mike e. prayed a prayer that came from the bottom of his heart for the church, for the lost, for our team - - and me;
• told them to watch their transitions because they will not have a producer for worship and then headed for the stage to sing.

as i was walking away they said with all confidence… “we got it”.

and, they did. they rocked it with excellence. kyle didn’t miss a beat on the lights.  linds had a small media shout hiccup but worked through it like a pro.  seriously, ya’ll - - i have the best team of volunteers ever - truly… they are amazing. they always serve with joy, they always give their best, they serve in their positions as if God himself were watching everything they do. they understand the impact of what we do. they are on board with the vision of the rock. to say i am honored and humbled to work with such a team is the understatement of all understatements. i really don’t have other words.

worship was amazing. the only way i can describe the feeling i felt in that room yesterday was… it just felt like family. like a family that had been through a lot and would go through whatever else to remain family. there was an air of purpose… of expectation, excitement and gratitude. it felt strong, solid… unshakable. i mentioned it to pastor norma after service and she sensed it too.

pastor bryan kicked off our iserve series by issuing a challenge to the rock to become a church of contributors and not mere consumers. it hit home as evidence by people who came to him or some other staff member after service asking how they can get involved. i am excited to see how this will build over the next 2 weeks.

thank you, God for these people. and thank you for giving me the best job in the whole world.

i was pondering the concept of hearing God’s voice today. how exactly do you explain the experience of “hearing” God’s voice to someone who doesn’t know God? after all, it’s not really audible (at least for me). how can we claim to “hear” something that doesn’t actually make a sound?

i cringe every time i feel myself about tell someone, “God told me… xyz”. in fact, rarely do i say it. i just fumble clumsily for a short introductory sentence to explain by what authority can i account for the eminent information. it’s not that i don’t think i actually heard from God. it’s just that i’m keenly aware that saying, “God said…” sounds like total whacko, fruit-loop, voices in your head wierdness… not to mention a little pretentious… “oooo… carolyn, thinks she hears God.” it evokes a reaction of, i really don’t want to hear this.

so, i began to think through my experiences of hearing God’s voice. how do i know when it’s God? how can i explain this to someone who is really trying to understand without freaking them out or sounding like i really don’t know what the fool i’m talking about. this is what i’ve got so far…

there are times when in an instant, i have an answer that i understand as thoroughly as if someone stood right in front of me and spelled it out. i didn’t hear any voices, but none the less, i inexplicably have the information… and i get it. sometimes it happens when i’m searching for it. sometimes it comes completely out of left field. it can come as a result of something i see, read, dream, hear…. or, it can come as a result of seemingly nothing at all.

i think sometimes these moments are just epiphanies. other times i think it is God’s “voice”. and i’m certain many times they are epiphanies imparted by God just to help me get along.

for me, the difference in the two is this…

• an epiphany i understand clearly in my head. it’s good practical information i can use to get things done. some of these i think are from God. some i think are just ideas i cooked up all by my creative self… because God made humans creative that way.
• God’s “voice” resonates as truth in my soul. it’s a deep and comprehensive understanding dropped in an instant into my heart. i draw from it confidence, wisdom and the tools i need to walk out my destiny. and because it’s truth to me and not mere information, it becomes a part of who i am. typically, these truths keep “coming up”… like in one week i’ll read something in my bible, see something on tv, hear a story, or witness some other practical application of a truth that started stirring in my heart during prayer one day.

so, there you go. that’s my current explanation on the subject of hearing God. seems easy enough.  it’s still too long to replace, “God told me…” i guess i’ll work on the short version now.  i think there are a lot more explanations i need to rework in my career christian mind before i can more effectively communicate them to someone else.  when i don’t, it just comes out… weird.

am i alone?
does anyone else have to hash this stuff out in their brains?

!@&*&&#)!&@^#%$@^)*&@#)!@&*&&#)!&@^#%$@^)*&@#)!!!!!

sorry.

just had to get that off my chest

please do come back.

i’ll be better next time.

i thought the popular questions about my trip seemed a little strange at first. then i remembered i wrote this post in close proximity to my trip and figured i should probably answer some of these questions here.

1. Q: (from twitter) “have fun, learn lots…. come home.” (ok, not really a question unless you know the source… just trust me there was a question in there.)
   A: i think my literal response to this was, “come home? are you really serious? no way you can get rid of me that easily!”
2. Q: did they offer you a job?
   A: this is a hilarious question. i was like a tadpole in the middle of lake erie down there. ummmm, no. they did not offer me a job.
3. Q: will i ever be as poplular as carlos? (not me - someone asked if they could be as popular)
   A: you know? i don’t think anyone is as popular as carlos. i don’t think carlos is as popular as carlos. it’s all just a figment of everyone’s imagination. i’m kidding. carlos wants to make a difference. if that means unabashedly promoting the fool out of his website… then so be it. he’s using it for god’s glory. so, if you dare be so brave… go for it.
4. Q: are you trying to learn how to become a mega church?
   A: i am trying to learn what i can from others who are making a big impact in their communities because i want to make an impact in mine. i have learned a lot of things that can be applied in my life and my job and i have seen things that work great in other places but would not work at all for me. i have no desire, whatsoever, to become just like anything or anyone but what god desires in his heart for me to be. that goes for my church too. i can tell you, very certainly, we are very different church. we have unique purpose in our community. i have no idea to what numeric number the rock will grow. but i want to reach as many as we possibly can. only god knows what that really looks like.
5. Q: (quoted directly from my website) “I don’t want to point out the obivious but Ernie is bald with a goatee and so is Los…. Is there a pattern developing. Just asking… Glad you are home.”
   A: yes, there is an pattern. an epidemic, actually. it’s called male pattern baldness. wikipedia says, “researchers suspect that several genes inherited from both parents play a role in androgenetic alopecia. paternal hair loss has been shown to correlate with chances of alopecia in sons, while variations in the androgen receptor gene (AR), which can also correlate with baldness, are X linked and thus inherited from one’s maternal grandfather or grandmother.” there is more. so, if you are not regretting asking this question yet, and would like to learn more… you can read all about it here.
6. Q: is your blog holding up under the ragamuffin effect?
   A: bluehost.com handled it quite nicely, actually. and most of my 300 or so new visitors left. so, i don’t think my blog is in danger of crashing this week.
7. Q: did you learn lots?
   A: yes. i got to see first hand a lot of things, technological and otherwise, that i had never seen up close before. they had some phenomenal ideas about children’s and small group ministries. but all of this, though impressive, was not my greatest take away. i was challenged the most by the obvious quality of their management and leadership. their team was unified, well organized and had a common goal fueled by a clear vision. it was glaringly obvious. and since i am, by my artistic nature, a little organizationally challenged, i think this is what i learned the most from.
8. Q: are you looking for a job?
   A: no. i am exactly where god wants me. i posted this post a few weeks ago to share something in my life that i believe many people go through but keep buried inside. but at the time of it’s writing i was pretty much over it. god had dealt with the issue quite handily. you see, i have quit before. i said, no more, to ministry life and went and pursued a vocation that had nothing to do with the church (or, so i thought). you know what i figured out through that experience? i can’t run away from the calling god has put on my life. quitting turned out to be little more than a detour. i landed right back on the course god had plotted in the first place. so, frankly, i realized quitting is futile. god has seared the vision of this house on my heart. i love my church. i love the leadership in this house. i love my city. yes, it gets hard… it’s demanding and draining sometimes. i feel inadequate constantly. but none of that really matters. because it’s not about me. and my god is more than enough.
9. Q: was it hard to come home?
   A: no. i could not wait to get home. atlanta is beautiful but the traffic was horrendous and i missed my family and my church. i was anxious to put into practice all the information i have filled my head with over the past few months. i talked to pastor b on the way home. i was telling him how going all these places and seeing how god is using others has been awesome. but i have been more amazed by how these experiences have worked together to make my heart beat harder and stronger for the vision of the rock. he quoted someone he recently heard say, “they are my people, but this is my tribe.” that could not hit it more squarely on the head. i hold my new friends dear. they are my people. but here is where my family is.. here is where god’s work is for me.
10. oops. i only have nine. so the last question is for you.
    Q: what do you want to know? do you have questions about technology in the church and what it means specifically for us at the rock? do you question why i and others have traveled all over to see other churches? is there anything you have been wanting to ask someone on staff but never have? ask.
    A: (this is you… comment below.)

“meet my friend, carolyn from the rock in north carolina.” this is how carlos would introduce me to his staff. it made me smile. it made me thankful for the body of christ.

i have always had a little bit of a hang up about the whole process of developing your inner leader. going to conferences and meeting people and churches that you can learn from who have been through more or are responsible for more than you is a huge part of stretching and learning. but, without fail this process evokes memories of the old amway crowd rallying hard and then flocking around the ruby and emerald leaders… trying to get near the diamonds with hope that “it” will just rub off on them. (yes, in our younger days we were recruited heavily for amway…. ernie and i were real magnets for the, “i have my own business that i should tell you about it sometime,” guys.) anyway, the process for me is a little uncomfortable. but i do it. because i have something in me that has been placed there by god. and that requires me to allow myself to become uncomfortable.

knowing about someone from what you read in their blog is very different from knowing someone personally. and traveling 7 hours to meet someone you have only read about can’t help but be just a little awkward. but one of the things i love about the christian leaders’ blogosphere (sorry, i thought really hard but could not think of a better way to describe it), is that in spite of differences in our methods, our churches, our communities… there is a very solid commonality. jesus christ. and, generally speaking there is a common need to learn from one another and an unspoken acknowledgment that the things god places in us are open source. i think that is awesome.

carlos, brad and their teams were so great. they understood why i was there. they were kind, friendly, knowledgeable and they patiently answered all my questions and filled my eyes and ears with what god has entrusted them with. and while the atmosphere was relaxed and inviting, they graciously allowed me to forgo the, “getting to know you.” stage to remain focused on my goal of observation. i worked very hard not to be intrusive and they made sure that i was included. we had a few get to know you type conversations but for the most part it was all about the learning process. because of this, i learned so much. really. i didn’t know fully on the front end of this trip what i would glean from it. i just knew that there were things that carlos and his team were responsible for that had not seen. but i can honestly say god poured plenty into my spirit that applies to my life and my church.

meet my friend, carlos from buckhead church in atlanta. i wanted a picture with him not so i could have a picture of me with “ragamuffin the blog rock star”. i took the picture to remember my friend from a distance who is also my brother in god’s family. he has a heart like mine… to make a difference. carlos, your team is amazing. thank you for allowing me to hang out and learn from them.

i have a whole lot more to blog about from my trip.
it’s coming. i have much to process.
until then, what are you doing to
stretch out of your comfort zone?

just got back from spending the afternoon with brad and his team over at north point. wow. i mean WOW. i’ve never seen so much mac power and brain power in one room. i got the grand tour and talked in geek. actually they talked geek… i pretended to know exactly what they were talking about. LOL

i love experiencing things that are much bigger than me. it’s very humbling. and it opens the mind to the power of possibility. that is what this year has been for me so far… an experience in what is possible. this year i’ve been to fellowship church, newspring church and now north point community church and buckhead church. all with different methods, strengths and vision… but all with a similar heart. to reach the lost.

it takes all kinds of people to reach all kinds of people. god has ideas and plans for our city that are unique and different than anywhere else on the planet. i look forward to taking all the information i’ve accumulated over the past few months and finding how it applies to the vision god has for the rock… for wilmington. i am excited to see it unfold.

i’m thankful for much tonight.

the picture is me and brad. we had to take
a nostril shot cause i’m short and he’s tall and we
couldn’t hold the camera far enough away.

warning… what you are about to read is transparent (and a little long).  i am sharing this here for several reasons…

• i don’t bottle things up well.  eventually it will come to the surface.  i have found it best for me to just decide how and when that will be most productive rather than letting it all gush out at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
• i find blogging serves as a great point of contact with some amazing people who i know will help hold me accountable.
• it’s neutral - i love that about blogging.  you can read it or not - i’m not going to hold you hostage to hear my struggles and make you feel as if you are responsible in some way to make it better.
• i know that my human struggles aren’t unique. we all go through the same stuff from time to time and we all have the capacity to fail. maybe the things i have gone through will serve someone else who finds themselves treading similar waters.
• i am sooooo imperfect - and yet god still uses me.  seeing that in other people helps keep me going…. so, i figure someone else might need that too.

so, here we go.the teaching i heard at c3 in february was hitting so close to home it almost physically hurt. the title of tommy barnett’s segment was, “the honor of wanting to quit”. as he spoke i thought i would melt in my tears into a puddle under my seat. i had been wanting to quit for a couple of months. no, i mean, looking for a job ready - and feeling so guilty about it. no one knew, not even my husband.  why?  great question.  i have a great job - the greatest.  i get to be creative every day.  i get to see lives changed.  i am pursuing my purpose.  i work for some of the most amazing people.  i had not been mistreated or disrespected… quite the contrary.  the problem was me.  you see, i constantly push the limits of what i can do. it’s my standard m.o… to me, it doesn’t matter if i don’t know how to do something. i know i can figure it out.  in general, i have always been very thankful for this personality trait.  but the truth is, more often than not, i push myself too way too hard.  when it happens i begin to neglect important things in my life. my god. my family. my body. my team. my friends. my home…the list goes on.  learning new stuff and overcoming inadequacy is almost just like a drug to me. my clever cover for my habit is that ‘i’m giving my best to god’, but the ugly truth about this process is when i come to a stopping point i am worn out, spiritually spent, out of shape and overwhelmed. on top of that, the reality is it is my pride that drives me. i rely on my ability to learn, create and achieve more than i seek god for wisdom about how to get others involved. i sacrifice myself and cheat others on my alter of self worth. well, there it is… ouch!!

if having to face this ugly detail in my life were not enough there was that other thing.  ed young began to expound on the little talked about subject of… betrayal.  i am (we all are) a prime candidate for being betrayed. it’s a part of life.  it’s happened before…. it will most assuredly happen again. this was not news, though it was encouraging to hear how others have coped and how god is in the business of turning bad circumstances for his good. but that is not what sent me to the bathroom in the remotest part of the building in tears for an hour. no, what did that was the sudden realization that i posses the full capacity to become… a betrayer. and, in my already self inflicted, weakened state it was just a matter of time.

now, i harbored no blatant bitterness. i had no plans laid to bring anyone down. i treasure deeply my family, friends and the people i work with. but i began to see that, in a worn out and prideful state, it is easy for me to start to slip into a thought process that begins to blame my job, my family, my leaders and my circumstances for the pain i inflict on myself. i suddenly came to the realization that it only takes one short human moment to betray and that, with a weakened spirit, i was a prime candidate for the role of judas. it would only take a split second for a thought, fueled by a lack of boundaries, to adversely connect with an emotion, to produce an action that would bring betrayal the people nearest and dearest to me. i was not about to steal or undermine or anything so obvious. but i was beginning to create a pattern of neglecting god’s leading to rely solely on my own ability, and deal harshly with my family during busy times (when i saw them), and resist pouring into others because it was easier and more fulfilling to do it myself.  without course correction i would almost certainly have begun to find myself on a drift towards dangerous disrespect of leadership. or, i might have just resigned myself to quit and leave - which, after all of the preceding actions might be the favorable thing to do. but, however it manifested, it would most assuredly cause bitter betrayal to a variety of someones whom i care about very deeply. it was a back door for the enemy that i had not considered. it was so subtle that i might have slipped and never even have seen it coming. sometimes the intentions of our heart are a mystery even to us. and sometimes, at least for me, my misguided ugly intentions are cleverly disguised by the very personality traits and giftings that god is trying to use for his good. i suddenly began to see this for what it was …and it scared the fool out of me. it’s dangerous. it’s ugly. it’s human. it’s overwhelmingly humbling. and i don’t want to ever forget this lesson.

for me, acknowledging my humanity keeps me reliant on god’s grace and mercy for protection from my greatest enemy - myself. god’s word in my heart is a constant reminder that he is so much bigger than my failures. worship helps me physically release it all over to him. and prayer makes god my sounding board instead of my family, friends or co-workers… who are already overwhelmed with their own humanity and who can do nothing about it anyway, except listen and pray. funny how it’s so easy for me to talk to others about my problems asking them to pray, when i haven’t even prayed for myself first. [yikes]

i don’t have all of the answers. i am a work in progress. but my god is faithful to complete what he started in me. so, this is yet another thing i don’t have to fix myself. all i’m required to do is pay attention and choose wisely.  i see it.  i get it. and, i still have this foolish notion that god can use someone weak and pitiful like me.  i choose to evolve and i choose to not quit.

—

“great men are just ordinary men that won’t quit.”   :: tommy barnett

no. this is not THE post.
(just kidding.  yeah - that was it.  thank you SO much for reading.)

carlos posts a lot of videos on his blog. sometimes i don’t take the time to watch them all (sorry, carlos). so, i know you all follow his blog too. but in case you chose not to watch this video he posted today. watch. then go to his site and watch the 2nd one which is the back story for this song.

it’s not about us
it’s all about his love for us
and, i can’t seem to get off my face for this sunday.
they’re coming.
the hurting ones.
will they find out how much he loves them through us?
are we setting the atmosphere?