foolishnotions.net

“meet my friend, carolyn from the rock in north carolina.” this is how carlos would introduce me to his staff. it made me smile. it made me thankful for the body of christ.

i have always had a little bit of a hang up about the whole process of developing your inner leader. going to conferences and meeting people and churches that you can learn from who have been through more or are responsible for more than you is a huge part of stretching and learning. but, without fail this process evokes memories of the old amway crowd rallying hard and then flocking around the ruby and emerald leaders… trying to get near the diamonds with hope that “it” will just rub off on them. (yes, in our younger days we were recruited heavily for amway…. ernie and i were real magnets for the, “i have my own business that i should tell you about it sometime,” guys.) anyway, the process for me is a little uncomfortable. but i do it. because i have something in me that has been placed there by god. and that requires me to allow myself to become uncomfortable.

knowing about someone from what you read in their blog is very different from knowing someone personally. and traveling 7 hours to meet someone you have only read about can’t help but be just a little awkward. but one of the things i love about the christian leaders’ blogosphere (sorry, i thought really hard but could not think of a better way to describe it), is that in spite of differences in our methods, our churches, our communities… there is a very solid commonality. jesus christ. and, generally speaking there is a common need to learn from one another and an unspoken acknowledgment that the things god places in us are open source. i think that is awesome.

carlos, brad and their teams were so great. they understood why i was there. they were kind, friendly, knowledgeable and they patiently answered all my questions and filled my eyes and ears with what god has entrusted them with. and while the atmosphere was relaxed and inviting, they graciously allowed me to forgo the, “getting to know you.” stage to remain focused on my goal of observation. i worked very hard not to be intrusive and they made sure that i was included. we had a few get to know you type conversations but for the most part it was all about the learning process. because of this, i learned so much. really. i didn’t know fully on the front end of this trip what i would glean from it. i just knew that there were things that carlos and his team were responsible for that had not seen. but i can honestly say god poured plenty into my spirit that applies to my life and my church.

meet my friend, carlos from buckhead church in atlanta. i wanted a picture with him not so i could have a picture of me with “ragamuffin the blog rock star”. i took the picture to remember my friend from a distance who is also my brother in god’s family. he has a heart like mine… to make a difference. carlos, your team is amazing. thank you for allowing me to hang out and learn from them.

i have a whole lot more to blog about from my trip.
it’s coming. i have much to process.
until then, what are you doing to
stretch out of your comfort zone?

just got back from spending the afternoon with brad and his team over at north point. wow. i mean WOW. i’ve never seen so much mac power and brain power in one room. i got the grand tour and talked in geek. actually they talked geek… i pretended to know exactly what they were talking about. LOL

i love experiencing things that are much bigger than me. it’s very humbling. and it opens the mind to the power of possibility. that is what this year has been for me so far… an experience in what is possible. this year i’ve been to fellowship church, newspring church and now north point community church and buckhead church. all with different methods, strengths and vision… but all with a similar heart. to reach the lost.

it takes all kinds of people to reach all kinds of people. god has ideas and plans for our city that are unique and different than anywhere else on the planet. i look forward to taking all the information i’ve accumulated over the past few months and finding how it applies to the vision god has for the rock… for wilmington. i am excited to see it unfold.

i’m thankful for much tonight.

the picture is me and brad. we had to take
a nostril shot cause i’m short and he’s tall and we
couldn’t hold the camera far enough away.

warning… what you are about to read is transparent (and a little long).  i am sharing this here for several reasons…

• i don’t bottle things up well.  eventually it will come to the surface.  i have found it best for me to just decide how and when that will be most productive rather than letting it all gush out at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
• i find blogging serves as a great point of contact with some amazing people who i know will help hold me accountable.
• it’s neutral - i love that about blogging.  you can read it or not - i’m not going to hold you hostage to hear my struggles and make you feel as if you are responsible in some way to make it better.
• i know that my human struggles aren’t unique. we all go through the same stuff from time to time and we all have the capacity to fail. maybe the things i have gone through will serve someone else who finds themselves treading similar waters.
• i am sooooo imperfect - and yet god still uses me.  seeing that in other people helps keep me going…. so, i figure someone else might need that too.

so, here we go.the teaching i heard at c3 in february was hitting so close to home it almost physically hurt. the title of tommy barnett’s segment was, “the honor of wanting to quit”. as he spoke i thought i would melt in my tears into a puddle under my seat. i had been wanting to quit for a couple of months. no, i mean, looking for a job ready - and feeling so guilty about it. no one knew, not even my husband.  why?  great question.  i have a great job - the greatest.  i get to be creative every day.  i get to see lives changed.  i am pursuing my purpose.  i work for some of the most amazing people.  i had not been mistreated or disrespected… quite the contrary.  the problem was me.  you see, i constantly push the limits of what i can do. it’s my standard m.o… to me, it doesn’t matter if i don’t know how to do something. i know i can figure it out.  in general, i have always been very thankful for this personality trait.  but the truth is, more often than not, i push myself too way too hard.  when it happens i begin to neglect important things in my life. my god. my family. my body. my team. my friends. my home…the list goes on.  learning new stuff and overcoming inadequacy is almost just like a drug to me. my clever cover for my habit is that ‘i’m giving my best to god’, but the ugly truth about this process is when i come to a stopping point i am worn out, spiritually spent, out of shape and overwhelmed. on top of that, the reality is it is my pride that drives me. i rely on my ability to learn, create and achieve more than i seek god for wisdom about how to get others involved. i sacrifice myself and cheat others on my alter of self worth. well, there it is… ouch!!

if having to face this ugly detail in my life were not enough there was that other thing.  ed young began to expound on the little talked about subject of… betrayal.  i am (we all are) a prime candidate for being betrayed. it’s a part of life.  it’s happened before…. it will most assuredly happen again. this was not news, though it was encouraging to hear how others have coped and how god is in the business of turning bad circumstances for his good. but that is not what sent me to the bathroom in the remotest part of the building in tears for an hour. no, what did that was the sudden realization that i posses the full capacity to become… a betrayer. and, in my already self inflicted, weakened state it was just a matter of time.

now, i harbored no blatant bitterness. i had no plans laid to bring anyone down. i treasure deeply my family, friends and the people i work with. but i began to see that, in a worn out and prideful state, it is easy for me to start to slip into a thought process that begins to blame my job, my family, my leaders and my circumstances for the pain i inflict on myself. i suddenly came to the realization that it only takes one short human moment to betray and that, with a weakened spirit, i was a prime candidate for the role of judas. it would only take a split second for a thought, fueled by a lack of boundaries, to adversely connect with an emotion, to produce an action that would bring betrayal the people nearest and dearest to me. i was not about to steal or undermine or anything so obvious. but i was beginning to create a pattern of neglecting god’s leading to rely solely on my own ability, and deal harshly with my family during busy times (when i saw them), and resist pouring into others because it was easier and more fulfilling to do it myself.  without course correction i would almost certainly have begun to find myself on a drift towards dangerous disrespect of leadership. or, i might have just resigned myself to quit and leave - which, after all of the preceding actions might be the favorable thing to do. but, however it manifested, it would most assuredly cause bitter betrayal to a variety of someones whom i care about very deeply. it was a back door for the enemy that i had not considered. it was so subtle that i might have slipped and never even have seen it coming. sometimes the intentions of our heart are a mystery even to us. and sometimes, at least for me, my misguided ugly intentions are cleverly disguised by the very personality traits and giftings that god is trying to use for his good. i suddenly began to see this for what it was …and it scared the fool out of me. it’s dangerous. it’s ugly. it’s human. it’s overwhelmingly humbling. and i don’t want to ever forget this lesson.

for me, acknowledging my humanity keeps me reliant on god’s grace and mercy for protection from my greatest enemy - myself. god’s word in my heart is a constant reminder that he is so much bigger than my failures. worship helps me physically release it all over to him. and prayer makes god my sounding board instead of my family, friends or co-workers… who are already overwhelmed with their own humanity and who can do nothing about it anyway, except listen and pray. funny how it’s so easy for me to talk to others about my problems asking them to pray, when i haven’t even prayed for myself first. [yikes]

i don’t have all of the answers. i am a work in progress. but my god is faithful to complete what he started in me. so, this is yet another thing i don’t have to fix myself. all i’m required to do is pay attention and choose wisely.  i see it.  i get it. and, i still have this foolish notion that god can use someone weak and pitiful like me.  i choose to evolve and i choose to not quit.

—

“great men are just ordinary men that won’t quit.”   :: tommy barnett

no. this is not THE post.
(just kidding.  yeah - that was it.  thank you SO much for reading.)

carlos posts a lot of videos on his blog. sometimes i don’t take the time to watch them all (sorry, carlos). so, i know you all follow his blog too. but in case you chose not to watch this video he posted today. watch. then go to his site and watch the 2nd one which is the back story for this song.

it’s not about us
it’s all about his love for us
and, i can’t seem to get off my face for this sunday.
they’re coming.
the hurting ones.
will they find out how much he loves them through us?
are we setting the atmosphere?

tonight i went
to my favorite place to worship
it’s an empty sanctuary
i turned the lights down low
turned the sound system on
hooked up the keyboard
cranked up the effects
and i worshiped.

i can worship there like no other place
yes, i can worship in my car
with no special lighting
no music
no microphone
but it’s not the same
as when i go ahead and take the time
to set the atmosphere.

i have heard concern
over the new things
uncertainty that our use of technology
is becoming the focus over our worship
as i always do
when questions surround me
i ask my father
even if i think i already know the answer.

tonight i asked
if my heart was right
if all the lights and sounds are a means to his end
and not our own
he knows my heart is to bring him glory
he knows i want only to see the lost found
and in his love and wisdom
he answered me quite clearly.

it is only a performance
if you are a spectator
it is only a show
if you are there to watch
it is only about technology
if you criticize things going wrong rather than engaging in higher activity
and, the only time you feel you are being manipulated or pumped up
is the time you noticed - since you did not come prepared to initiate and engage in worship on your own.

his words were for me
i am guilty
of all he had spoken to my heart
his words are for us
for the times when we lose site of him
even when our intentions are good
and we focus on nuts and bolts
rather than hurting hearts

i doubt had i not taken the time
to use what resources and technology
my favorite place to worship offers
if i would ever have opened myself up
to hear so plainly
no, god does not need special technology to move - it’s not for him
it’s for me - so i can create an atmosphere
where i, a mere human, can hear him better.

—

is. 57:14 (niv) and it will be said: “build up, build up, prepare the road! ; remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.”
ps. 50:23 (amp) he who brings an offering of praise and thanksgiving honors and glorifies me; and he who orders his way aright [who prepares the way that I may show him], to him I will demonstrate the salvation of god.

please, please, please - click on the image above to go to the unleash 2008 website and watch the video for both main sessions. if you can only watch one - watch the second one. it is contains one of the most powerful times of worship i have ever been in, and one of the most important messages i have ever heard. i so love that newspring just posted these up in their entirety. thier heart to not only reach the lost but to help others do the same is…… [...] humbling.

thank you, newspring.

no, this is not the post.
it’s coming.
go watch the videos while you are waiting.

i have a post… it’s transparent, a little raw, bathed in prayer, i think it’s fairly well written… i think other people would benefit from knowing someone else goes through the same stuff.

i am too chicken to click publish.

i couldn’t resist the phrase on this chicken little poster…

“when it comes to saving the world it helps to be a little chicken.”

[sigh] when, do you suppose my inner hero will emerge? blogging is not for sissies. if you disagree, you better check - you might not be doing it right.

[cluck, cluck]

that’s how many blog posts i have in my drafts.  c3 was awesome.  unleashed was amazing.  i have stuff swirling around in my head and my heart that i haven’t figured out how to put out there.  right now it’s a 20 post book.  no one reads those.

what i’m doing/thinking today…

• cleaning up - man, i create a lot of messes around here
• catching up - ummmm yeah.  3 podcasts behind… [yikes]
• can’t continue the “up” theme i just started, darn it.  sooooo….
• need to touch base with my team in a more tangible way… brain storming
• great to meet bloggers face to face at unleashed. wish i had gone to the blogging breakout, though.  got to talk to brad and got to say hi to tony morgan.  sometimes it’s hard being a girl in a man’s world.  there’s always that weird, don’t do anything they might misinterpret, thing going on.  not that there was… but, you know.  it’s super important to be careful, being human and all.  occasionally, unintentionally, i’m not.  i’m a people person - it’s very frustrating sometimes.
• celebrated daylight savings time by buying a new pair of running shoes.  been eating good and exercising for a week now.  jeans are a little looser today.
• cam and ernie ran with me yesterday after my beloved tweets talked me down from eating bad food.  thanks, guys.  yet another invaluable use for twitter.
• i love twitter.
• sooooo glad so many of our team got to go to unleashed.  great times… great memories.

thank you for stopping by to read.  ya’ll rock.

so, i’ve been home a week and my brain is still bulging from c3.  i have to say my absolute favorite part was talking to the volunteers.  in a room full of thousands of people from all over the place i seemed to coincidentally locate the one seat that would place me right next to a fellowship church volunteer. half of these great people served, or had a family member who served on the media teams.  it was crazy.  after the 2nd time abbye just looked at me and asked, “so, what high capacity volunteer did you get to talk to this time?”.  so, i want you to meet them too… as best as i can remember:

• chris - volunteer sound engineer.  he happily ran down the whole process he has gone through to become and serve as the sound engineer for their video recordings.  he is one of, i think, 4 guys who serve in this position.  he serves usually one to two weekends a month and spends, about 10-15 hours at the church on those weekends for rehearsals and services.  he used to be in radio in his earlier life.  he patiently, knowledgeably and happily answered every question i had.  super nice guy… so inviting, humble, easy to talk to and passionate about the vision of fellowship church.
• john - husband a video girl. this man had the most impressive set of teeth i have ever seen in my life. and he smiled a lot. i like that. his wife spends a lot of time at fellowship serving on the video team getting scriptures, lyrics and video elements ready. so, he stays with the kids… because, he said, “that is the most important thing i can do”. he is a software engineer who designs programs medical research. and i am sure that he is a very rare individual.
• cash - a 60 something, clear thinking, spiritually sound dynamo and small group leader. he had tons of wisdom which he shared with me and eric, an oregonian youth pastor (of 17 impressive years ) who happened to be sitting between us. eric had some really difficult questions.  cash listened hard, responded with only key tidbits of wisdom and had only encouraging words. i’m sure eric left encouraged and ministered to - maybe more from cash than t.d. jakes.  cash and his wife have been members of fellowship for many years.  they came at first because their daughter loved it and invited them.  they were not church attenders at the time but quickly started to grow in their faith and got involved in volunteer ministry.  they shared with us that through the years they have not always agreed with everything that went on at fellowship but they were undeniably on board with the vision and actively involved as volunteers and not going anywhere.  so refreshingly mature and level headed…  all had the right reasons.  (oh yeah, he had a great laugh and a voice that definitely was made for radio - wow!)
• jack - a really kind and friendly (50+ year old) man at lunch. i never actually found out what he does. he was just nice, easy, down to earth, witty and fun - an absolute breath of fresh air… that was enough.

the speakers were absolutely amazing.  and i’m sure i will post thoughts about some of the things that have been rolling around in my heart.  but honestly - i think i got more from sitting next to these 4 kind gentlemen and from the hundreds of helpful friendly volunteers.  i never had to look for information.  and i never felt hounded or weirded out. they were the unexpected icing on the cake.  kudos fellowship volunteers… you simply rock!!!

little side note for my home church family:  if you are a rock volunteer,  please never underestimate the value of where god has placed you.  without you - there is no ministry at the rock.  whether you spend 5 minutes a week or 15 hours a week.  do it with all your might and all your passion being confident that what you do matters greatly in this church, in our city and for the kingdom of heaven.  i love you all.  thank you for your heart for god and for all you do at the rock.

little known fact about me: i really look forward to reading
my akismet spam comments.  wow, that sounds really needy
when i just put it out there like that.

the awakened man’s dream
::me

so, i just read gary lamb’s rant about church planters who want to reach people who are disconnected from god. typically, anything with the term “rant” in the title gets an immediate “mark post as read” click. to me the term “rant” generally indicates that the writer is about to rake some poor unwitting soul over the coals at the mercy of the writer’s superior, no way i can be wrong intellect. but somehow this one alluded my mouse.

the past few weeks and months have been an amazing time at the rock. we have been setting the course, identifying the vision, dreaming the dream. we are on a course to reach out to the unchurched… and it’s all good. but are we really prepared for what god is calling us to do? honestly, i’m not sure i am. i’m not sure if i suddenly had someone dropped into my life bound tightly by the stench of sin; burdened by an horrific past; blinded by an intolerable present; and, hopeless for lack of a future; that i wouldn’t completely freak out, wimp out and run away.

gary is right about me. i grew up in church. i had a not perfect, but all-in-all a great childhood. i have some semblance of an education. i’ve never been beaten, drugged up, addicted or directly exposed to anything so ugly. so, my thought is - where does this leave me? i can’t change these facts about my life experiences. don’t want to. but god has given me compassion for imperfect people. so, again, where does this leave me? should i be discouraged by gary’s post and give up? does my lack of understanding or experience disqualify me from reaching these people? should i just give up and go get a secular job? if i have no hope of being effective should i pursue some other viable dream?

1 corinthians 12:12-26 says that we (christian’s) need each other. at the rock i am in charge of multi-media. i help our leadership with “relevance” (i really, really don’t like this word anymore - it’s so worn … anyway). i know stuff that our small group leaders don’t. 0ur small group leaders have experiences and gifts that our hand up outreach ministry doesn’t. our hand up outreach workers make contributions that our worship team can not. and so on, and so on. we need each other.

my point? the vision is good. it’s from god. and church leaders need all hands on deck to carry it out. no one man can be enough or do enough to bring about the vision god has given him for any church. am i ready for the ugliness? honestly… i don’t know. but i’m not doing this alone here. and, it’s not my vision. it’s god’s. and i / us / them - well, we’re all his too. so, i think today - i’m not disqualified. and, tomorrow - i will go to work.

great post gary… i will be pondering and praying about this for a while. and i think i received it in the manner which you intended.  but might i very humbly suggest a different title?