warning… what you are about to read is transparent (and a little long). i am sharing this here for several reasons…
- i don’t bottle things up well. eventually it will come to the surface. i have found it best for me to just decide how and when that will be most productive rather than letting it all gush out at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way.
- i find blogging serves as a great point of contact with some amazing people who i know will help hold me accountable.
- it’s neutral - i love that about blogging. you can read it or not - i’m not going to hold you hostage to hear my struggles and make you feel as if you are responsible in some way to make it better.
- i know that my human struggles aren’t unique. we all go through the same stuff from time to time and we all have the capacity to fail. maybe the things i have gone through will serve someone else who finds themselves treading similar waters.
- i am sooooo imperfect - and yet god still uses me. seeing that in other people helps keep me going…. so, i figure someone else might need that too.
so, here we go.the teaching i heard at c3 in february was hitting so close to home it almost physically hurt. the title of tommy barnett’s segment was, “the honor of wanting to quit”. as he spoke i thought i would melt in my tears into a puddle under my seat. i had been wanting to quit for a couple of months. no, i mean, looking for a job ready - and feeling so guilty about it. no one knew, not even my husband. why? great question. i have a great job - the greatest. i get to be creative every day. i get to see lives changed. i am pursuing my purpose. i work for some of the most amazing people. i had not been mistreated or disrespected… quite the contrary. the problem was me. you see, i constantly push the limits of what i can do. it’s my standard m.o… to me, it doesn’t matter if i don’t know how to do something. i know i can figure it out. in general, i have always been very thankful for this personality trait. but the truth is, more often than not, i push myself too way too hard. when it happens i begin to neglect important things in my life. my god. my family. my body. my team. my friends. my home…the list goes on. learning new stuff and overcoming inadequacy is almost just like a drug to me. my clever cover for my habit is that ‘i’m giving my best to god’, but the ugly truth about this process is when i come to a stopping point i am worn out, spiritually spent, out of shape and overwhelmed. on top of that, the reality is it is my pride that drives me. i rely on my ability to learn, create and achieve more than i seek god for wisdom about how to get others involved. i sacrifice myself and cheat others on my alter of self worth. well, there it is… ouch!!
if having to face this ugly detail in my life were not enough there was that other thing. ed young began to expound on the little talked about subject of… betrayal. i am (we all are) a prime candidate for being betrayed. it’s a part of life. it’s happened before…. it will most assuredly happen again. this was not news, though it was encouraging to hear how others have coped and how god is in the business of turning bad circumstances for his good. but that is not what sent me to the bathroom in the remotest part of the building in tears for an hour. no, what did that was the sudden realization that i posses the full capacity to become… a betrayer. and, in my already self inflicted, weakened state it was just a matter of time.
now, i harbored no blatant bitterness. i had no plans laid to bring anyone down. i treasure deeply my family, friends and the people i work with. but i began to see that, in a worn out and prideful state, it is easy for me to start to slip into a thought process that begins to blame my job, my family, my leaders and my circumstances for the pain i inflict on myself. i suddenly came to the realization that it only takes one short human moment to betray and that, with a weakened spirit, i was a prime candidate for the role of judas. it would only take a split second for a thought, fueled by a lack of boundaries, to adversely connect with an emotion, to produce an action that would bring betrayal the people nearest and dearest to me. i was not about to steal or undermine or anything so obvious. but i was beginning to create a pattern of neglecting god’s leading to rely solely on my own ability, and deal harshly with my family during busy times (when i saw them), and resist pouring into others because it was easier and more fulfilling to do it myself. without course correction i would almost certainly have begun to find myself on a drift towards dangerous disrespect of leadership. or, i might have just resigned myself to quit and leave - which, after all of the preceding actions might be the favorable thing to do. but, however it manifested, it would most assuredly cause bitter betrayal to a variety of someones whom i care about very deeply. it was a back door for the enemy that i had not considered. it was so subtle that i might have slipped and never even have seen it coming. sometimes the intentions of our heart are a mystery even to us. and sometimes, at least for me, my misguided ugly intentions are cleverly disguised by the very personality traits and giftings that god is trying to use for his good. i suddenly began to see this for what it was …and it scared the fool out of me. it’s dangerous. it’s ugly. it’s human. it’s overwhelmingly humbling. and i don’t want to ever forget this lesson.
for me, acknowledging my humanity keeps me reliant on god’s grace and mercy for protection from my greatest enemy - myself. god’s word in my heart is a constant reminder that he is so much bigger than my failures. worship helps me physically release it all over to him. and prayer makes god my sounding board instead of my family, friends or co-workers… who are already overwhelmed with their own humanity and who can do nothing about it anyway, except listen and pray. funny how it’s so easy for me to talk to others about my problems asking them to pray, when i haven’t even prayed for myself first. [yikes]
i don’t have all of the answers. i am a work in progress. but my god is faithful to complete what he started in me. so, this is yet another thing i don’t have to fix myself. all i’m required to do is pay attention and choose wisely. i see it. i get it. and, i still have this foolish notion that god can use someone weak and pitiful like me. i choose to evolve and i choose to not quit.
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“great men are just ordinary men that won’t quit.” :: tommy barnett
no. this is not THE post.
(just kidding. yeah - that was it. thank you SO much for reading.)
